On a recent Sunday morning, with the rain coming down hard and the idea of leaving my apartment looking grim, I decided to do some housecleaning. Little did I know that it has been quite sometime since I have done that kind of cleaning and that the chore will end up taking more time that I was prepared to offer.
Maybe it was the despondency that comes with a relentless rain on the weekend (the last day of the weekend to boot), but I ended up doing a housecleaning that had less to do with dusting and scrubbing and more with self questioning and yet another attempt at emotional cleansing. (Confession # 1: I have an unmatched tendency, or gift if you may, to elevate simple matters of everyday life to unlikely moments of spiritual and emotional discoveries. Don’t ask me why. I just do).
To start with, I could not believe how much stuff I have accumulated in my 26 years (okay, okay 27…gee, people it is just a year!). Considering that I have not lived in one place for more than 2 years for the last 10 years or so, it is incredible how much baggage I have been dragging around.
Now, I am not talking about furniture stuff. Nah, the only furniture I own is my bed-a bed so tiny that I often wonder if my insomnia is not a manifestation of my yet unrealized fear of falling off the bed in my sleep! All these stuff I am talking about are items of alleged sentimental value. Why alleged? Because, as I found out that Sunday morning, some have lost their sentimental values and most should never have been accorded that status to begin with.
I had things dating back 20 years: old yellow letters in faded envelopes, birthday cards from absent friends, pictures lost to mildew, wrappings from discarded gifts, a t-shirt of a lousy ex and a promise ring from the one that broke my heart, boarding passes from planned trips and accidental detours, wedding invitations of now divorced couples, mementos of departed friends, cassettes (yes, those obsolete items) of love songs that no longer brings tears to my eyes, anthology of poems and verses from anonymous sources, souvenirs from every place my wanderlust has taken me, reminders of every moment my wandering heart has felt at home, piles of rejections letters-from schools, from jobs, from lovers…Seriously, you name it, I had it. Pile after pile of my past crowding my space. Relics of what used to be cluttering my present.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not arbitrarily condemning all of my stuff. Actually, being able to touch, hold, and smell objects from my past has always been a heart warming experience. Some of the things I have kept are priceless and I wouldn’t dream of giving them up even to the highest bidder on ebay!
I have had some darn good times, times worth reminiscing. Plus, I do appreciate the possibility that one day, old age will potentially make it impossible for my mind to recall the good memories and my stuff will be the only confirmation of their existence. So, what am I fretting about? I am fretting about my indiscriminate decision to hold on to everything, my inexplicable tendency to hold on to reminders of memories not worth remembering.
Seriously, why hold on to a promise ring of a broken promise and a wedding invitation of a marriage gone sadly awry? Why hold on to any reminder of friends that have proven traitors and of moments looked back with regrets? Why hold on to stuff that no longer triggers any discernible feelings? Why hold on to anything that loses its sentimental value within a day or two?
Anyway, I asked myself these and many more questions-questions too long to state here and too fleeting to actually put into words-and decided that some memories should just be allowed to fade away: as quickly as a train station does from view a train pulls away. I decided that some life experiences are worth forgetting and so are all reminders of them. From now on, only the best of my past will have a place in my present. And so I did some major housecleaning and who knew I had so much space in my little apartment?
Now, dear Bernosians: what have you been holding on to and why? And eh, anybody interested in buying a princess cut, .04Ct promise ring?
Published by May 5th, 2008 in Personal and Social.Send this post to a friend
A very nice piece. I’ve been holding onto one roller coaster of a relationship I need to dump but the sex is great. I need another addiction first though.
Love this piece.
I did a whole lot of cleaning 5 yrs ago and got rid of a bunch of stuff (including good memories) when I moved to the States. I regret throwing away letters, movie coupons and other simple yet useless and priceless items. While I agree that some things we should let go, I think keeping some items is a good idea. After all like you said those items are the only reminders of the past when you’re old to remember anything. So keep the ring. It will remind you of the heartache but also of the experience and the good times.
I recommend you tattoo the ring somewhere….priceless.
Oh my God! we bernosians are lucky to have your kind of people. people who can share their thoughts and feelings so eloquently with such a breathtakingly beautiful way!
does this promise ring of a broaken promise thing have something to do with that therapiest of yours!? I just wounder.
let me do my housecleaning and/or emotional cleansing now………
Very nice read Bemegerem. Thank you for sharing it…
What do I hold on and why?. The last time I spring cleaned my flat just a week ago I found old letter I wrote and others written to me and some I never sent, then post cards, photos, books,1 teddy bear (even though I shouldnt admit to that one)birthday cards, anniversary cards ,congratulatory cards, cards with crushed flower petals in it, a tiny bracelet my parents gave me when I was 3, little souvenirs of places I visited and old gifts, a DVD of an old Mel Brook movie with a little blue handwritten note from a once a close friend. Why do I keep this stuff?, probably becuase I am sentimentally attached to it and dont wanna let go of what it symbolises, continuity too.
i’ve found out that my “problem” is the exact opposite. i hold nothing too close. practically nothing is sacred. i’m willing to part with friends, lovers, mementos, trinkets, even my writings and paintings, without so much as a feeling of hurt or loss. i’ve been told that that makes me callous. maybe that is so. maybe my only attachment is transience and flux.
Is it wrong to hold on to old girlfriend momentos, pics and letters even after you get married? What do you guys think. I have to admit, i have nothing but great memories of my old relationships, but i somehow still have these things hidden deep in the attic with all my college books and stuff. Don’t get me wrong, i am well over and moved on from them, but just don’t seem to get the balls to throw them away. Possible symptom of OCD. Must check on DSM IV or V now don’t remember.
My problem with house cleaning of whatever sort…it never ends. I accumulate thinking I have a need for it, or I will have a need for it, and most of the time it becomes trash and the cycle begins again… accumulation of more garbage. I dont know whats playing with my head to make me think I should hold on too… say a hotel receipt. Some may say cause I want to get caught, which I did, but no I did not want to get caught. I need to leverage fear of getting caught to erase all traces of what I did and where I have been. It has no good for me, but in the wrong hands, I am screwed.
I have been dreading to look into what the closet is holding…i.e. emotionally…I have boxes that I move with me wherever I go …really….and what amazes me is the fact that I am willing to pay extravagant amount of money to ship them from one place to the other…given the fact that I have not live in one place for more than 2-3 years, I must have spent a fortune on them, now that I think about it…I even shipped them from France to the U.S…when I first moved here……I have an appointment with my past this summer…this gives me more motivation….maybe I will find more closet space….Thank u so much for an excellent read!
Not that long ago, I lost a “phone” that had numbers, email addresses, pictures and recordings that I will never recreate or get back. My first feeling was devastation, I was so upset - “I have sooo many files on it though!!!” Then a good friend simply said, “It’s good that you lost it, time to move on and make new memories”- and voila! All of a sudden, to me, that made more sense than holding on to, and revisiting all the things I valued about that “phone”.
So I say, accidentally on purpose, lose the ring… your heart will never really forget the things it’s learned- whether you feel it or not.
Thanks for sharing
What a nice way of selling your junk, nice story how much are you asking for it?
There is a word in Amharic
its called Kotetam!
now you can say its negative or positive but I really hate too much stuff!
…i happenchanced on this topic today on a cool blog > i guess everyone’s spring cleaning these days.
QiraQimbo-nomics…
: Hidden Side of What You Own
http://thinksimplenow.com/clarity/stuff-onomics-hidden-side-of-what-you-own/
yeah like Nolawi said..”i hate too much stuff” but we all still have stuff..you know.(i can’t get rid of things b/c everytime i get rid of things i buy or someone will give me a gift…
TP, I want to be just like you…. do you offer a course?
I have kept things like letters, pictures, cards, school autograph etc. I haven’t seen them for years but I know they are still sitting in my couple of “DO NOT TOUCH” boxes. Sometimes I wonder if it is better to get rid off things as we moved on. Because when we leave this earth what ever we kept in secrets would be in public or somebody will end up seeing it.
Great piece.
I think I kept many things prior to my move from a house to an apartment. Now that I think about it though, I still have many things I’m refusing to give up. I can’t let go of old clothes, I found that out the hard way when I was packing. I donated as much as I could but once again I’ll have to give away much more as I’m getting ready to move to Addis for longer than my usual 3 months. I kept many many pics,. Am I not so glad for the digital storage technology provides these days? I still have love letters from like when I was 16. I have a pink guitar that was given to me by ex-hubby for my birthday. I can’t seem to have the courage get rid of it.
About pics of ex’s, I’ve kept all of them, even when I was married. I happen to have great relationships with my exs and don’t see any reason to give the memorable pics as long as they are still present in my life.
I change my planners every year but I can’t seem to let go of the old ones. I feel like, I’ll need them someday.
I have to say I have a lot of cleaning to do before my big move. It’s not like I can transport all my mementos to Addis and I don’t think paying for storage will be a smart thing to do for something I may never end up needing anyway.