I met her about two years ago, when she joined some of my friends for drinks while I was on vacation. There was some chemistry or so I thought.
I left but couldn’t get her out of my mind, I contacted her from distant land casually and we talked every so often. The subject was generic, as she was very private.
Over the year, we became not friends but acquaintances, someone I knew well. I eventually moved closer and the acquaintance became stronger over half a year and I expressed my interest in dating her both informally and formally.
I was turned down, although the down was not so apparent. She could have been trying to spare my feeling or she was ethiofused as Nolawi as poetically put it a while back. I assumed the former. She was not interested in me, she never was.
This is when I made a choice either stay as friends or isolate myself from her. Again the former, I would stay as friends because I cared about her. She would talk to me about her casual relationships as I would more openly than she ever was. I understood she was private.
Over time I realized my feeling for her is not just a casual interest or lust but rather love.
I am in love with a woman friend of mine who doesn’t feel the same way. I am stuck in the F zone and I don’t know what to do.
Published by February 21st, 2008 in Dating, Personal and Social.Send this post to a friend
Wondata, there is nothing you could do here other than moving on with your life. I say keep your distance away from this woman until you get over the love that you have for her. Then may be you can be friends or NOT afterwards. Of course, this is easy being said than done. Keep yourself busy and occupied with other things. May be pick up a new hobby, finish reading the book that you started last year, catch up with movies and TV shows……you get the gist. There are a lot of fish in the sea. Move the hell on is my advice to you.
elaboration requested:
How do you date a woman formally and informally? Could that be why she said no?
A woman does not easily change her mind and become sexually attracted to a man she has already placed in her friend zone. This is said to be very different from how a male’s mind works, and as a result leads to a string of false expectations on the part of the man. It is not impossible to get out of the friend zone as it is stated in many texts. In some cultures and societies, women keep around many possible suitors and marry the person they feel most comfortable with.
Many dating seminars and texts focus on how to avoid the friend zone, advising immediate cessation of all contact once a man finds himself in the friend zone.
[quote comment="130271"]elaboration requested:
How do you date a woman formally and informally? Could that be why she said no?[/quote]
I think he meant that he asked to date her formally and informally? not date her formally and informally..
basically get the ef away from her because the reason she keeps you around might be because she like the attention she receives from you,….
I agree with Nolawi. Women like getting attention, especially romantic attention, from men even if they are not interested in dating them. Or she just wants to be friends with you and is not guilty of wanting romantic attention.
The key is if she seems to somewhat encourage your romantic advances and then pushes you away, then watch out!!!!!!! But if she’s consistent in her actions, then don’t push away her friendship. That’s my two cent wondata
Ouch! Heart breaking! Most habesha’s women are untruthful with their own feelings and hard to tell what she’s upto. Good luck! I’m not sure you call this “love”, though.
[quote comment="130279"]
basically get the ef away from her because the reason she keeps you around might be because she like the attention she receives from you,….[/quote]
She may also be genuinely interested with his friendship.
I think Nolawi believes that the attention from a platonic guy friend is so essential to women existance.
Wondata,
Try to move on and you can’t do that if you are still friends with her. The more you spend time with her, the more she keeps saying no and the more you will want her…it’s a vicious cirle…It might be unfair to her because she might genuinely want your friendship, in that case take time to get over her then be her friend afterwards.
[quote comment="130297"]I think Nolawi believes that the attention from a platonic guy friend is so essential to women existance.[/quote]
You mean to tell me it’s not? Someone needs to send out a broadcast message to all the chica’s who put a platonic d*ck on layaway. Thank you for letting us know KT
why put it on layaway when you were offered to have it for FREE
this is so funny..i just read people responds and pretty much all of them are different. Wondata, let me know which advice you choose.
already much said about it…F zone is not fun at all
I say Make up your mind…and choose one!!!!
[quote comment="130317"]why put it on layaway when you were offered to have it for FREE[/quote]
If you’re not taking it at the price of FREE then you are laying IT away in case of emergency.
There should be a bill in congress to protect the platonic d*ick from misuse
Wondata, everyone of us may say something from our understanding of the situation, but only YOU know how close you guys are, how she’d react etc. (which we, the readers,cannot consider). Besides, every person is different….I don’t believe in “A Man’s Perspective”…”A Woman’s Perspective” minamin. None of my friends think alike. But hopefully, you can get something out of what each one of us say to help you move on with your life.
Personally, I can never date a friend no matter how nice or even perfect match he may be. I do believe in a relationship built on friendship. However, I must not have started out with the person as ‘friends’ first. Once I decide he is my friend, that’s what he’ll be for life. TO ME, dating my friend is unthinkable. (Not that I think of friends dating as something bad - it’s just that something I cannot do…..in the same way that I cannot date member of my family….yea, my friends are like brothers…and sisters to me). Having said that, I know of a friend who turned her friend down….and decided to give him a chance after a year (mind you, it was after she got hurt by her ex and thought ‘why not give a nice person a chance’ )
Good luck!
and if the girl wants the F-thing because she’s not up for getting him tangled up in her panties?
Wondata,
You should slowly create a distance and stay away from the zone. It will give both of you a clear head (should her thinking be clouded by the attention, as it OFTEN happen to us). This closeness can’t be good for you…. you might end up resenting her. Stay away and let time do the rest
Wondata, does this woman know you are in love with her? I understand you said you asked her to date you before but wanting to date someone isnt the same as loving them, well at least not at the beginning. You must love her a lot if you are willing to listen to her going on about her casual relationships, dont stay too long in that F zone by all accounts it sounds a lonely corner, I dont know what to advice you except to say this try with her again and if she still doesnt feel the same, file her somewher in your mind under the bracket of “unnatainable” and try to move on however difficult it might be. Good luck
She aleady turned you down so you can be friends with her if you can stand it or move on. Don’t spend too much time with her or around her if you have strong feeling for her (you said love) cut your losses and move on is my thought….Are you dating others or going out and not just thinking or obessing over her….this will help you to move on
Listen to Wudnesh ,its a very wise way of putting it.
All of us have our own interpretations of relationships. I always tell people with relationship issues one thing. DO what every makes you happy with out hurting the other person.
If staying in love with her makes you more happy you don’t need to change anything.
I don’t think you have to do things the mainstream way of black or white. I have been in a very complicated relationship ,I have been trying to make the best out of it cause I get a lot of satisfaction.
Gist of the comment, try to see what makes you happy and stick with it no matter how weird it is.
I agree with GrandMa, you may feel that it’s love but unless it’s reciprocated i don’t think u can really call it Love. try talking it thru with her, if you like her this much (and she likes u back even as a friend) she should be able to understand and maybe then you can move on, don’t just imply things, hard as it is for the guys to understand this, guys and girls have kinda different ways of implying things so it could mean it’s just miscommunications, i.e. she may not have understood you in the first place … but it’s a difficult situation bro, ayzon
comment 20 & 15 is crazy .. this girl gets his attention and love without reciprocating it…
he should stay away from her till he gets over her…
Nolawi,
That’s only a temporary solution, or not a solution at all. avoiding facing it never helps, i say deal with it, and talk as in really TALK. and you’e the only one who can be the judge of how to handle the whole situation wondata, but from a bit of experience… putting it off just complicates things.
[quote comment="130720"]Nolawi,
That’s only a temporary solution, or not a solution at all. avoiding facing it never helps, i say deal with it, and talk as in really TALK. and you’e the only one who can be the judge of how to handle the whole situation wondata, but from a bit of experience… putting it off just complicates things.[/quote]
I disagree that is a permanent solutions… once he gets away from her… he will forget about her…
[quote comment="130606"]comment 20 & 15 is crazy .. this girl gets his attention and love without reciprocating it…
he should stay away from her till he gets over her…[/quote]
Sometimes, “crazy” works!!
Yo, forget friendship…it is too late for u even if that is what she genuinely wants which I doubt very much…..who knows may be she is looking for a worshiper….u don’t want be that bro….some girls are addicted to attention….am not saying that is the case here but u make the judgement….but the way I see it u may be too much in love to see these things….
Stay away man. When u do, one of two things will happen. She will either call u looking for love or the friendship will end. Both ways things will have a clear direction…..
is it just me or is the “term” ETHIOFUSED highly obnoxious..
slowly pull away. no need to talk, no need to give her a big head. just pull yourself out.
Is this a joke? It reads more like sex advice then one for the F zone.
I am going through the same issue with my X. I broke up with my x two years a go, some how we start dating again for about two month. At that time I did work hard to keep our relationship going, some how my effort didn’t work to my favor. To this day it kills me why we are not together, I keep asking her to get back said sorry for my wrong doing but she keep saying no to me. Here is the problem she is kind of stubborn she doesn’t want to say sorry no matter what. One of the conditions I put for us to get back is for her to accept her mistake and try to work on it together but she want admit her wrong doing.
All I am telling you is hang in their, you will be ok, what I did to get of her is exercising every day; it looks like it is kind of working for me. Write know I can’t skip a day with out exercising I also feel good about my self I am getting my self ready to date again yes I still did think about her but not so often like I used to
[quote comment="131552"]I am going through the same issue with my X. I broke up with my x two years a go, some how we start dating again for about two month. At that time I did work hard to keep our relationship going, some how my effort didn’t work to my favor. To this day it kills me why we are not together, I keep asking her to get back said sorry for my wrong doing but she keep saying no to me. Here is the problem she is kind of stubborn she doesn’t want to say sorry no matter what. One of the conditions I put for us to get back is for her to accept her mistake and try to work on it together but she want admit her wrong doing.
All I am telling you is hang in their, you will be ok, what I did to get of her is exercising every day; it looks like it is kind of working for me. Write know I can’t skip a day with out exercising I also feel good about my self I am getting my self ready to date again yes I still did think about her but not so often like I used to[/quote]
what did you do wrong? did you cheat?
nolawit I didn’t cheat it is a bit complicated if you want the detail I will let you know I am about to go to work know. I will promise you cheating is not involved from both side
I recently started dating a person I kept in the F Zone for 3 years. He was persistent- I think that paid off. I am not advising anything here…just sharing my experience.
saba,
if you don’t like him or have no feelings for him in the first place, why change after 3 years …? it appears that you were either unsure all along or felt sorry for the dude in the end.
from a Tragically Funny Bernos blog:
I was in disbelief, I was shocked, I was jovial, I was ecstatic and I thought I could start living again. I wanted to be sure as the sound was muffled by the surround system of Neway Debebe’s Yayne Abebe Nesh vocals.
Saba
Congratulations for upgrading your friendship into a relationship. Not sure how the friendship was like between you and him during the past 3 years, but to me it sounds that you made him work hard to get you. And now you are saying his persistence has paid off.
May be if you reveal more information, I will give you the benefit of the doubt. If you say you were friends for 3 years, what made you change your mind now? Did you know that he was interested in more than a friendship with you back then? I mean I just feel sorry for a guy who works for 3 years, imagine that is THREE YEARS to get a gal.
Or, like Wudenesh said above # 15 “I know of a friend who turned her friend down….and decided to give him a chance after a year (mind you, it was after she got hurt by her ex and thought ‘why not give a nice person a chance’ ) – is that you?
If it was just a good friendship that has just got upgraded into a relationship, then I don’t have any problem with that. But, if one is working hard and the other is playing hard to get, and is simultaneously playing the “friendship” card, I think that is just unacceptable.
Well, I think it’s not upgrading. After saying no to someone for 3 years you find out,
“I am getting older”
“The grass is not greener on the other side…”
well then you say “can’t do better than this”.
MY Abesha people always say “Merach yewedkal kemeratch” something like this…..
N’est pas SABA???? Can’t do better than this.
Well a guy who beggs for 3 years has to be desperate …..
[quote comment="134040"]Well a guy who beggs for 3 years has to be desperate …..[/quote]
well i can’t say desperate actually he knows what he wants. You just have to love and respect this kinda man..for the rest of your life…..
This is kinda off topic so I apologize from the start. I need advice. What do you do when find yourself falling for someone who is not appropriate? He could be your boss, your professor, your brother in law, your best friend’s man, he is married, he is way too young for you, he has a girlfriend, etc… Just pick one. I am in one of these situations. I can’t stop thinking about him. I don’t know what to do about it. He is such a great guy but he is off limits. I have to see him all the time so staying away from him is out of the question. So what is your advice? How do you “un-like” someone? I need to nip this thing in the bud before it gets too messy.
helen,
you sound like my secret admirer… or are you? i hope u don’t end up being stalker
…….let it go…?
why nobody told me about soj..is in town….???? we need to blog about your trip to addis. …
Justme,
I didn’t know u had crush on Soj….u should have told me. Too late…
[quote comment="134050"]This is kinda off topic so I apologize from the start.
I need advice. What do you do when find yourself falling for someone who is not appropriate? He could be your boss, your professor, your brother in law, your best friend’s man, he is married, he is way too young for you, he has a girlfriend, etc… Just pick one. I am in one of these situations. I can’t stop thinking about him. I don’t know what to do about it. He is such a great guy but he is off limits. I have to see him all the time so staying away from him is out of the question. So what is your advice? How do you “un-like” someone? I need to nip this thing in the bud before it gets too messy.[/quote]
You know Helen, I have been thinking about this for a while. what is it that makes married ppl off limits. Is it something like ‘I saw him/her first ‘ sort of thing.you know, ”finders keepers loosers ….” kind. I mean just because You are married does that stop you from having feelings for another person?
I hate being distrustful but I also hate the idea of getting stuck with someone just because you had feelings for them once up on a time and its supposed to be for life.My favorite singer of all times -Sting ,met his wife while she was married. She got divorced and married him.they have been together for over 20 sth years.
So for real,I don’t know wht to tell you.Gin there is really sth wrong with marriage and off limits. So much for being helpful right ?:)
Winta
If you are attracted to a man who is not single the best thing to do is to turn away from this temptetion. It is normal to be tempted Even Jesus Christ was tempted by the Devil while He was fasting for 40 days in the wilderness but He used the word of God to defit Satan. Satan is the temptor he lies and deceives people. That is all he does. But do not fall into that use the name of Jesus to fight your temptetion.
By any chance if you are attracted to a married man. Run for your life. Do whatever you have to do to not fall into a love triangle. This is what the Holy Bible says on the subject “But from the beginning of creation, God MADE THEM MALE AND FEMALE. 7 “FOR THIS REASON A MAN SHALL LEAVE HIS FATHER AND MOTHER, 8 AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9 “What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate. Mark 10: 6-9 (NIV)”
As the saying goes What goes around comes around ( some times it comes sooner than we think. It’s also said we reap what we saw.
So Winta my advise is to do the Right thing
Be strong and self controlled.
May Love and Peace fill your heart!
The above is for Helen
Please, give me a break on the religous rethoric.
and if you can just reason out why or why not.
yeah ,i know the above is meant for Helen.
[quote comment="134050"]This is kinda off topic so I apologize from the start.
I need advice. What do you do when find yourself falling for someone who is not appropriate? He could be your boss, your professor, your brother in law, your best friend’s man, he is married, he is way too young for you, he has a girlfriend, etc… Just pick one. I am in one of these situations. I can’t stop thinking about him. I don’t know what to do about it. He is such a great guy but he is off limits. I have to see him all the time so staying away from him is out of the question. So what is your advice? How do you “un-like” someone? I need to nip this thing in the bud before it gets too messy.[/quote]
He is your boss if you have to see him everyday. And he is probably married since you consider him off limit. I see he also likes you othewise how would the situation get messy? In your book, guys like that are considered great? Whats great about the guy who is about to cheat on his wife? And probably will forever keep doing so because he has unresolved issues.
How do I do for instant ‘unlike’ the guy.
You could also try to get a BF, the next single guy to hit on u will do, fat, ugly, hair, no-hair.. anything that wont make you feel guilty after the fact.
If you do have a BF, you should tell him you cheated on him :), the truth
winta,
He is off limits because he is taken. As much as I want it to be different that is the reality.
Genfo,
Not into religion, but I know I have to get away from the situation.
Anon,
What to do when you find yourself constantly thinking, dreaming and fantasizing about the person you believe is THE ONE but for fate you just can’t have him. The mess I was talking about is me falling even deeper for him, not cheating. I have to find a way to get over it.
Hi Helen,
Everyone is this group seems a bit forbidden fruit like.
I dont know what to advice you, as you mentioned un-liking someone doesnt work, well in that case you could either foresee what will happen and flee especially if they are married and might get sacked by their spouse and a family breakdown and mayhem ensues or professors who can be kicked out of their jobs if they cannodle with their students and they get caught abusing of the position of trust and responsablity they hold , the boss at work too might bad news , if you break up with him or have a lovers tiff wouldnt the atmosphere at work be unbearably tense? or, you could do what you wish and take the consequences and consult hindsight when things go pear shaped…brother in laws and best friend BF or husband should be a no no I think, but that is only me .
The only one safe with no attachment seems to be the way too young guy…if none of these guys are not the love of your life ask yourself are they worth the hassle of a lot of people getting hurt in the process…
LMAO this is the best advice yet.
What’s love got to do with this? i been there my AFrican/East-African/Ethiopian friend, this is just obsossion, the more you think about her the worest it gets…ofcours till she lets you deep…..but who am i to say its not love? you are the one who is in that shoes~