Comments on: Selam had a sister?

By: biskut

biskut — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 01:02:32 +0000

I have one question for all of you guys .If you/your wife were pregnent and you were told that your unborn child is going to be mentally challenged will you have an abortion or will you opt to have the child??????????????

By: biskut

biskut — Thu, 11 Oct 2007 00:47:13 +0000

Very saddening story indeed.In the city i live in i know a family who never dared to bring their autistic son to any social gathering .I did not know their son was autistic (i doubt it if anyone does) they jusst say they don’t go out with him coz he is very rebash .Anyhow i happened to find out their true reason when i one day saw their son being escorted out to the school bus by a special education teacher whom i knew very well.so ppl this is not a problem in ethiopia only.Most of us drag our backward thinking all the way to the U.S.

By: Ambasel

Ambasel — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 17:04:00 +0000

I saw that too, Keremela. Here is the link for people who want to check it out:

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/world/2007/10/07/vause.disabled.dignity.cnn?iref=videosearch

Note the man locked away in a room because his parent couldn’t cope.

By: Keremela

Keremela — Mon, 08 Oct 2007 14:05:35 +0000

I was just watching CNN and they were talking about mentally/physically disabled in China. The president of China was quoted saying, “disabled people give birth to stupid people”(not sure when he said that)…Chinese people also hide their kids because of all the stigma/taboo attached with it. I think its very interesting how this problem is not only one within our community, but also one seen within other communities.

By: MaramawitG

MaramawitG — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 21:39:54 +0000

Celebratelife, you lost me w/ this one (#38). If you want to discuss then do so but don’t be petty. I liked the post. But I wish there was less judgement on Selam & her family.

Sir Charles, you make great points & I just love love love your writing style. Funny as hell too. Please come back.

By: hewe

hewe — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 16:40:03 +0000

[quote comment="82729"]

But I know one thing for sure, they hid her from the world b/c of US - the “concerned” abeshoch. Our stigmatization was the cause for that deplorable/desperate act. God, just irks me how we are so quick to summarily convict w/o ALL the facts.

Charlie, what is the world is this supposed to mean? it goes both ways my friend. if you have never seen or heard of a rare disease or deformity how are you not to be shocked. i’m not condemning staring and pointing, it’s just natural for humans to be curious about things that they have never experienced before. so if people who are different are locked away, how are the “concerned” abeshoch to react? simple solution - why concern yourself with the “concerned” abeshaoch?? you cannot sheild children from being called names, different or not. it’s a sad reality of life. and for someone who is so irked by quick judgements, you have become the “mankokorya” that called the “dist” black[/quote]

Emebet, yes, it is natural for humans to be curious about things that they’ve never seen before as you said but staring and pointing should not be justified at all. Mr. Darwin’s point was not to lock away people, but sarcastically pointing out that the family was reacting to ‘judgement’ of the society. I’ll let the person defend, but just thought i’ll point out my understanding.

By: hewe

hewe — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 16:31:44 +0000

Good topic Celeb and has good discussion that needs to be talked about in our society. However, I too want to hold off on judgement on the family as we don’t know anything more than what we are told from a 3rd person. I kept thinking who did she live w/, and if they want to hide everything, why would they have ‘lekso’ and show ppl the pictures- guilt or no guilt, i wish i knew the whole story…and i think there’s that lets quickly point fingers at ‘that family’ attitude. We don’t know!!

i agree w/ Mr. Darwin whew (i like)!! and also Dinich’s point of not knowing selam’s side on #29 comment…

Nice discussion by the way.

By: Alpha

Alpha — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 15:41:08 +0000

I’m loving Mr. Darwin…you took the thoughts right out of my head :)…..good points

oh and this was funny….lol

P.S. Me’nekat ewoda’lehu… Just not by ignorant people! Yikrta…

By: chuchu

chuchu — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 06:28:06 +0000

I have an uncle, my mother’s younger brother, who came to live with us when he became mentally ill. As his father rejected him because he became ill and dagressive.So my mother took him and he couldn’t get better no matter the medical tretment he gets.
despite the medicines he take, He is sometimes agressive that he would physically hurt people even family members and he used to be locked up. I wonder if those of you who say stigma or whatever would tolerate to live in this kind of situation.
I wouldn’t tell my friends about my uncle unless otherwise they saw him (if they came to my house), does that make me less of a friend?
may be selam and her family had to go through a very sad time… may be mentioning their sister would hurt them more ……….
My mother was very hurt & heart broken by his condition and agressiveness …. and guess what he is most agressive towards her… and would you blame me and my family if we don’t talk about him…… would you blame us if we lock him up when he hurts people….
may be you should be in selam’s place to understand what it it means to live with mentally ill people

By: CharlesDarwin

CharlesDarwin — Tue, 02 Oct 2007 06:22:32 +0000

Celeb: “Try to understand”? By condemning the family w/ the meNd’er Woré you HEARD? All I said was lets reserve judgement. Is that going in reverse?

BTW what I’m sure about is their reasoning for not telling people is due to the stigma we place on such things. I never professed knowledge of any other information. Furthermore, I didn’t make the same assessment. I condemned myself & US not the family.

Wow… you are Something! Instead of defending what you wrote, you insult me & accuse me of “rants and insults”. Get real girl. You know, this is the first time in my life I’m seeing someone be’miNd’u feSu’n si’Fesa. I’d rather not stick around for the number 2. Your thoughts reek & the olfactory receptors can’t take such pollution… so I’m outta here… Peace…

Good-luck in your “understanding” the complete picture w/ your one sided “discussions”!!!

P.S. I’ll change my writing style when you start “thinking” & produce better arguments that your sorry response.

By: celebratelife

celebratelife — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 21:38:19 +0000

Charlie sweetheart you sound like the same dude all over the other blogs starting mess to get people all worked up. You rants and insults are starting to sound familiar at least change your style of writing.

I know for sure

and we’re not allowed to make that same assessment. What a hypocrite. If you know for sure then tell us the full story why don’t you.

We are trying to understand why this happened and avoid it from happening day in and day out. You’re moving in reverse direction. Just chill out and discuss.

By: emebet

emebet — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 20:35:33 +0000

But I know one thing for sure, they hid her from the world b/c of US - the “concerned” abeshoch. Our stigmatization was the cause for that deplorable/desperate act. God, just irks me how we are so quick to summarily convict w/o ALL the facts.

Charlie, what is the world is this supposed to mean? it goes both ways my friend. if you have never seen or heard of a rare disease or deformity how are you not to be shocked. i’m not condemning staring and pointing, it’s just natural for humans to be curious about things that they have never experienced before. so if people who are different are locked away, how are the “concerned” abeshoch to react? simple solution - why concern yourself with the “concerned” abeshaoch?? you cannot sheild children from being called names, different or not. it’s a sad reality of life.
and for someone who is so irked by quick judgements, you have become the “mankokorya” that called the “dist” black

By: celebratelife

celebratelife — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 18:54:06 +0000

tsedu, thanks for sharing your personal story and I’m sorry about your nephew.

This, unfortunately, is not just an Abesha problem. It happens right here in the good ole USA in 2007. The fact that it happens does not make it right. I thank God for people like Emebet’s grandmother, Mamitu, Mabel and others like them for their kind hearts and their choice not to live up to other people’s expectations and treat their loved ones with the same love and respect that we all treat our own.

By: Selam2

Selam2 — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 17:57:00 +0000

Thanks for bring up this vey important story.

Most of us do agree to the fact of living a judgmental Habesha society. Yes, other culture may share similar traits, but because of lack of education coupled with cultural practices we seem to be very big on the “Yelugnta” department. I agree with the commnet of developing more of that “Gedel yigbu” attitude to balance things out.

My questions to the bloger and reads are: now we know better, what is it each of us are doing to affect change in our society?

How do we react to taboos such as this in our daily lives?

How do we react when some of our friends are open about things that happen in their lives?

Do we really accept them for who they are do we distance ourselves?

What do we do when we wittiness others being judgmental? Do we just listen and say “not my problem” and move on? Or do we say something? I dare you to practice this one in your next habesha get together.

Let us be honest and start asking the man/woman in the mirror first.

By: abyssinia

abyssinia — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 17:31:07 +0000

Celebrate, thank you for sharing a very touching story. I think we should not be judgmental towards Selam’s family as it may be a very complicated issue. Having a handicapped child born into a family and grow into adulthood is one of the most stressful experiences a family can endure. Parental reactions to the realization that their child is exceptional usually include shock, depression, guilt, anger, sadness, and anxiety. Individuals handle each of these feelings differently and may stay in certain stages longer than others. Some parents perceive the handicapped infant as an extension of themselves and may feel shame, social rejection, ridicule or embarrassment. Parental reactions may be affected by economic status, personality traits and marital stability. In short, an initial parental response may be a form of emotional disintegration. This may evolve into a period of adjustment and later into reorganization of the family’s daily life. Some parents cannot cope beyond the emotional disintegration. They must then decide whether to give the child up for adoption or to place her in an institution. This decision is not easy and is stressful to the family.

We all need to realize that this is not only ye’abesha issue; other races also face this everyday. In some part of the world, very glorifying actions are taken by the child’s parent. Sad but real!

By: weyzarit

weyzarit — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 17:28:30 +0000

Mamitu said:

[quote comment="82068"] And one thing I don’t want my daughter to feel is that she is less of a person because she is different, for this reason I refuse to take her to places where there are people who might misunderstand her because of her little quirks, or who might try to pass suggestions to me as to how I should raise my dear daughter so that she will listen or follow my direction or not act strangely (like cover her ears and scream when she hears some noise that she interprets as scary). I don’t want to be explaining to people who sometimes may have just seen her for the first time that she is Autistic bla, bla, bla…. that she hears it over and over and believe that she can’t do things in life because of her disability. So I take her to places where they accept her as she is and encourage her to overcome her difficulties so that she could live her life to the FULLEST!!!!

[/quote]

i understand what you mean first hand. i have a cousin who has autism and im very close to his family, so therefore i witness this ignorance from habeshas on a daily basis. it definitely wears you out. some habesha act like he is some sort of alien from neptune and they are extremely awkward around him, to the point that some in a very habesha-esque passive aggressive manner prevent their kids from playing with him. habeshas do give unsolicited mikirr to his parents, everyone thinks their little solution is the answer. sometimes i just wanna yell, “Slamming his face with tsebel is not gonna evaporate the autism out of his brain!!” at one point when he was very young his parents did try out the prayer/tsebel thing and guess what folks, AINT SHIT CHANGED. tsebel is not the fix all be all solution to every damn thing in life.

it’s tiring to even discuss it with habeshas sometimes b.c inevitably you have to go in to a rant about what mental disability is blah blah blah. i dont mind sharing knowledge but it’s tiring when you have to do it over and over and over again. so i see mamitu’s prespective when she says that sometimes isolation from habeshas is a good thing for the child and parents alike. they both have some much on their plates already, why add on additional burden when you can avoid it??

habeshas think that if you have depression or autisim or whatever else it’s a sign of weakness and inaptness, like you 3/4 the person they are. They define who you are by your disability and nothing else. and boy do they pile on the pity, you practically can drown in it.

our culture has a very destructive approach towards mental disabilities and it’s a shame b.c individuals with mental disabilities have just as much potential as a so called “normal” persons but they are not meet b.c they don’t receive the proper nurture from the culture and in some tragic cases, from the family also.

*****here is one suggestion for you all who want to be open minded and help the cause. if you know someone with a mentally disabled child or relative and they need someone to watch them while they go take care of some business, volunteer your time to watch that child or individual. Often family members of these individuals have to deal with a lot of stress and it is difficult for them to find someone willing to take on the responsibility of caring for their loved one when they need it. not only are you helping them out but at the same time you are getting to know the child or adult with the mental disability as a PERSON, an intelligent, capable, multi-dimensional person who deserves to be treated with respect and dignity and not just a mere sickly retard.

usually habesha folks don’t have ill will at heart, they are behaving the way they were taught to. the ignorance is perpetuated within out culture. im glad to see so many folks on this blog who get it. spread the word. with educating our people we can fight this.

By: CharlesDarwin

CharlesDarwin — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 16:19:46 +0000

Maebel - Ohooo…. I guess I should run to the magistrate to change my name. Someone named Maebel doesn’t like my name. Interesting Q though… BTW it was chosen b/c of what I wrote earlier. (Read above if you like.) But that is besides the point… Anyways, I think there too many things running “all over” that mind of yours b/c to base judgements WITHOUT ALL THE FACTS is called IGNORANCE in my book.

“Dare to use your mind” huh? Then I suggest you start by being less trigger happy & start gathering the facts. Right now all you know about this girls life is “she was supposedly locked up in a room away from the public eye,” per the Woré Celeb HEARD. Your prerogative to “dare to use [your] mind, to reason and form [your] own attitudes and judgments” based on this. Just not impressive that’s all. “Is this a judgment or an expression of ones opinions and thoughts towards a certain type of” obtuse remarks? Ouch!

P.S. Me’nekat ewoda’lehu… Just not by ignorant people! Yikrta…

By: tsedu

tsedu — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 16:07:43 +0000

thank you celebye touching story ,somehow this article striked a chord with what happened in my family ,”the big dirty secret” when my older sister who was 16 at the time ,came home told family that she was pregnant seeing this guy secretly and she was in love willing to marry him oh well my family couldn’t have that they were extremely upset ,It was like as if someone died my mom screaming at my sister ‘how could you do this to us ” it seemed like my parents were worried about what the neighbors would think of them.long story short my mom decided to send my sister to country side of gonder not even the city of gondar ,so we lie to friends and neighbours with some made up story .But the most ironic thing is that both my parents are doctors knowing that sending my sister to the most remote area where infant mortality by far the greatest risk,but they did anyways, she gave birth to baby boy and had to leave him to be raised by extended family [that was part of the plan]and when she returned we all have to act as if she came back from vacation not a word of mentioning the baby ,my sister never the same not the smiley girl any more.fast forward 10 years my mom told me that the boy died of malaria and my heart was broken and i and my siblings never forgiven my parents.by now he would have been 19 years old . I am not in for teenage pregnancy but once it happens you have to do what is best for the mother and the baby screw the neighbors we have to stop treating women who have baby out of wed lock ,as ethiopians call it dequala as the outsiders instead talk to them and make them part of the decision .sorry this subject is different from what celeb wrote but somehow i feel like talking and sharing about it thank you for allowing me.

By: maebel

maebel — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 15:43:40 +0000

CharlesDarwin..”First of all I don’t like your name” is this a judgment or an expression of ones opinions and thoughts towards a certain type of names? well whatever it is I just can’t deny the fact that the thought is running all over my mind and I always dare to use my mind, to resaon and form my own attitudes and judgments towards a certain actions, ideas, objects, names and everything that i saw hear and touch. but if you don’t chose to use your mind a form a certain beliefs of what is wright and wrong…it doesn’t only mean that you can’t be a judge but also it implys that you are….Ok let’s drop it here because any thing more would be an offesive judgment. “those who are not prepared to judge are not prepared to be judged” atinkugn bayoch yimeslugnal

By: Dinich

Dinich — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 15:15:07 +0000

I think what we know from this story is that Selam never talked about her sister, Meskerem. Does that necessarily mean she didn’t care about her? That is what most of the comments assume. But, that may not necessarily be the case. We do not know why she never talked about her. What if we were told that she called her every day….she sent her money every month….she cried every day for her….which likely is the case…

More than Selam, it is the judgemental society we are that is to blame…that is what kept her from being open about it. Also, as always, I don’t really want to take this as a strictly abesha problem. I hate that tendency we have to call every problem abesha….

By: CharlesDarwin

CharlesDarwin — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 15:13:42 +0000

Kewanit - No one is advocating a child should be treating this way but at the same time I want to give the Mom the benefit of doubt here. I just cannot believe a mother would do what was written. So w/o understanding why the decision was made, unlike you, I’ll reserve judgment. You know, tough decisions are made everyday & maybe the family didn’t have the means to bring her here & take care of her. Maybe they barely got out the children that are able to come & work as they establish themselves in a new country. How about the fact the Mom may have had little choice in the matter? Maybe this lady was “thought” to differ to her husband like most women of that generation & he made the decisions for them all. Who know? I wasn’t there so I cannot say. But I know one thing for sure, they hid her from the world b/c of US - the “concerned” abeshoch. Our stigmatization was the cause for that deplorable/desperate act. God, just irks me how we are so quick to summarily convict w/o ALL the facts.

Frankly, I think people should not write things on what they HEARD. I believe even Celeb didn’t have first hand knowledge of what took place in this girls life. She publically convicted the family on the abesha Woré she heard & the peanut gallery followed suit.

Life’s problems are cast in various shades of grey, unfortunately, we seem to reduced an entire spectrum of possibilities down to the two most polar options - black & white. Perhaps, we should strive to SEE these shades of grey and we may come to understand or even better view the world with broader lenses.

Just my 3¢…

By: Keremela

Keremela — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 13:49:03 +0000

Kewanit, all your saying is easier said then done! to judge from the outside is very easy, unless you walk in her parents footsteps you will never understand any of the choices they made. I am not at all trying to justify what was done is right, but I try to look at the bigger picture trying to understand their actions and I blame our culture and society. Talk is not just “talk” it makes and breaks people and families!

By: Ethio Jazz

Ethio Jazz — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 13:28:59 +0000

Thank you Celeb for a touching piece. Thank you for bringing such an important issue to the lime light.

By: Kewanit

Kewanit — Mon, 01 Oct 2007 04:48:42 +0000

CharlesDarwin are you kidding. There should be no room for pity or understanding for what the mother or whole family has done to Meskerem. As a mom she should have know better than anyone else what is good for her daughter. Instead she (they) chose the easy way out and decided to hide her. So who cares what others say ayabeluat ayatetuat. People will talk but thats all its going to be; just talk.
What blows my mind about this whole this is that they all got a chance to come to the US and they left her there. She was probably the one that needed to escape the most, but they leave her there. And now that she is gone they decide to introduce her to the world. Ha I say to big to late.

By: celebratelife

celebratelife — Sun, 30 Sep 2007 21:03:08 +0000

Thank you all for your comments. I want to honor Meskerem’s short lived life. This is not to ridicule or judge the family, whatever reason they had of denying her existence is their choice and my choice to continue the friendship or walk away.

Mamitu,

Thanks for sharing your personal story. I don’t know if you’ve seen the 20/20 special with Jenny McCarthy’s Autism Journey that recently aired. Her personal discovery to help her son with his autism was amazing. It contradicted what the doctors have been telling her and she’s found a small change like his diet made a huge difference. If you haven’t seen it I would highly recommend it and it’s available online too.

Maebel,

I wonder if you talked with this friend of yours after that event. If I were you, I would definitely went some place where I couldn’t see her. If she is so ashamed and cruel on her sister, how could she be nice to others. Living Beast!

I did mention it to her and she had no reply. Our relationship is not as close as before because I had the same exact thought….if she can deny her own flesh and blood then who am I to demand anything more.

You are amazing to have the “gedel yigbu” attitude, as Emebet said, when you relate with your sister and you live in Ethiopia too. It’s people like you that make the world that much more wonderful for all people challenged or not. God bless you and your beautiful soul.

CharlesDarwin,

Q - What would you do if you went for a sonogram & the Doc tells you, “your kid will be Autistic”? What would your decision be then?

I have a family member who was born with a rare physical deformity affecting the muscles so that he will never walk or be “normal”. Once the family found out (during delivery) not one soul uttered adoption or rejection. We knew what we would be up against and every member was there from the date of delivery to this day. That beautiful baby had more surgeries before his 2nd birthday then what an average person would have in a life time. So you ask how would I react if I was given the news….I would react no less than if I was told I would have a healthy child because I have the most supportive family anyone could ever pray for. So no I don’t mind being told that. Also it is my belief God would never give you anything you could not handle.

Now at the same time we have extended members of the family who reacted as Selam’s family did and I have chosen to no longer associate with them because of their small minds. They could not see that child beyond his physical challenges and to be honest I can’t see them beyond their ignorance.